On friendship

Long time no posting. A lot of things happened that kept me away.

I am not sure why all my writing so far is on relationships. There are many other topics of great interest to me, but we will get to them later.

Today, I would like to jot down a few thoughts about friendship. Recently, I had time to consider what is my definition of true friendship and concluded that it is very similar to my definition of love. 

 I feel that true and deep friendship has three components. One is a mystery, what people usually call chemistry, some kind of deep-level synchrony and attraction that comes from some unknown and unknowable force of the universe. The other is a set of unforgettable experiences together. We often form these lasting connections when we are young, daring, passionate, and easily impressable. The third and perhaps the most important component is the opportunity to get out of your shell, to care for someone more than you care about yourself, and to be ready to give, more than you wish to receive.

At least in Western cultures, and increasingly so in Eastern ones as well, the common understanding of what friendship is is more like what I would call companionship. Meaning, you get together with your buddy or two or three, drink some beer or vodka, and have a good chat. The most common topics are sports, politics, weather, taxes, real estate, and women. It can go a little deeper in terms of experiences, for example going camping, white water rafting, skiing, or mountain climbing together. It can also get a little more meaningful, like joining a church, a club, or a sports team, or launching a start-up or a non-profit. But in all of these cases, the interaction is based on mutual interest, emphasis on mutual.

A companionship is valuable and important. But it is not what I believe is the essence of a true friendship. A common interest is a good start. A meaningful conversation and/or joining forces to meet a challenge can go a long way to forming human bonds. But the relationship only crosses to the next level when you can look at the world through your friend’s eyes, to understand how they think and what they feel. When you get to the point when you care so much about them you would do anything in your power for them, even if it is inconvenient or difficult for you. When their happiness and well-being mean a lot to you, and when you can understand what brings them their happiness and well-being.